that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
