i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
