My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
