I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
