Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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