I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
