i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
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Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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