i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
