life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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