Sorry, I don't speak sober.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
