I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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