Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
