Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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