she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
