sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
