you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the day after is always just damage control
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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