At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
