I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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