i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
