I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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