So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
