The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
