Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
