3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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