Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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