I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
