I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
