I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm like, not good at living.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
