I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
