I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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