just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
