the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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