i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
