GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I need a beard to bite.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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