I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
