one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
