guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
