I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
