he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
