If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
