It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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