girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
