o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
