If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
