Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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