I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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