i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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