Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
