He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
