My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
