and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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