She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
