someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
