I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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