the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
