sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
