fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
