I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
