i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
